Anniversaries
What did you know and when did you know it? The anniversary of symptoms, treatments, other major events can be a significant part of whippleLife. What’s been your experience as time passes?
What did you know and when did you know it? The anniversary of symptoms, treatments, other major events can be a significant part of whippleLife. What’s been your experience as time passes?
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The anniversaries begin today…August 19 – the day the symptoms began; September 2 – the first day I was hospitalized; September 5 – the day of my ERCP; September 6 – the day I was extubated; September 20 – the day I got my diagnosis; October 1 – the day I learned the tumor was, at its size and location, probably not able to be removed; October 3 – the day the onocologist told me there were more hopeful alternative.
The memory of one year ago is clear to me…walking through the Steeplegate Mall in Concord when, without warning, I had to break for the bathroom like I’d never had to before. For the next two weeks I went through a daily routine of gastric distress, at almost the same time everyday. Had it not been for that bizarre beginning, I might very well be dead.
I’ve come to see anniversaries as more than just mileposts marking distance from the past. Through my eyes they represent those moments when life made a choice, took a turn, or succumbed to the weight of circumstance to claim one path instead of another. A dear friend asked whether the anniverarsies that loom in front of me wouldn’t be hard, and I honestly don’t know. At this point it seems as though I will look back through the prism of hindsight and see them as the building blocks of a new life. Each point on the calendar represents one step away from destruction, toward life. What feels to me absolutely glorious about celebrating these anniversaries is that as I took those steps, I discovered I wasn’t alone. The most remarkable and unexpected people stepped forward and walked with me, sometimes carrying me, to make it through each day. One year ago I never would have ancitipated that I could possibly be where I am today. My heart, my life, is full of your friendship and support. Nothing I can say or do can possibly convey my sense of gratitude for what so many of you have done.
With that in mind, I mark this first of a series of first anniversaries with lines from a song by Janis Ian (www.janisian.com). It’s a statement of defiance; a statement of celebration; a statement of both longing and hope. To me it is a declaration that the more I define myself and life around me within the stark contrast of “black and white,” the less I embrace the life I have to live. But as I am able to accept life’s uncertainties and subtleties, it’s many shades of gray, I am stronger to carry whatever life can throw at me…I’m not done; this train still runs.
I FELT A RUMBLE IN MY HEART, OVER THE MOUNTAINS
AS THE ENGINE ATE THE SPARK, SPITTING OUT THE MILES
TIMES WHEN I TRIED TO JUMP THE TRACK
WEIGHT OF THE WORLD UPON MY BACK
STILL AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE – THIS TRAIN STILL RUNS
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHERE IT’S GONE
THIS TRAIN STILL RUNS
AND THOUGH THE BAGGAGE WEIGHS A TON
WE CARRY ON
NO ONE IS FOREVER YOUNG – I’M NOT DONE
THIS TRAIN STILL RUNS
SURE AS A BABY LOVES THE TEAT
SURE AS A HIGH HEEL ON CONCRETE
SURE AS THE SONGS I’VE LEFT UNSUNG
THIS TRAIN STILL RUNS
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHERE IT’S GONE
THIS TRAIN STILL RUNS
AND THOUGH THE BAGGAGE WEIGHS A TON
WE CARRY ON
NO ONE IS FOREVER YOUNG – I’M NOT DONE
THIS TRAIN STILL RUNS
whipplelife
August 19, 2008
It’s coming up on the big one…January 29…that’s when they got it out. The pathology report said that the tumor was 90% destroyed by the treatment and the surgeon said that it came out with a clean margin – no more cancer.
For most of the folks who know me, that was the end of the story…good for Mark, things are OK, get on with life! For me it was just the beginning.
I’m still reflecting on what it means to face this date, one year later, when my life was saved. I feel a little like what they said that the end of “Burn After Reading.”
“What did we learn from this?”
“Not to do it again.”
“But I don’t know what we did.”
whipplelife
January 17, 2009