breathe…just breathe…
While every disease brings its own set of challenges, I believe that facing pancreatic cancer and living with the treatments and procedures that can delay or even cure the cancer, is one of the most personally profound experiences a person can have. I believe that due to the ever-present threat of fatality, coping with this disease, even in remission or cure, reveals something authentic in us. What helped you cope and survive? That gave/gives you hope? How to you hold and look to the future without fear? What inspires you and allows you to feel joy?
I knew about pancreatic cancer. I’ve been an Interfaith Chaplain in both a hospice and a hospital, so when the results came back positive for cancer, I knew that meant death. I’ve thought about it over and over, how I felt through the treatment and as I approached the surgery. I’ve thought about how I felt during the times when I wasn’t sure the recovery from the surgery was going to turn out OK and truly believe that one fundamental truth I can claim is that I was never, at any point, afraid of death or dying. I didn’t welcome it and certainly did not seek it, but I was determined that would I face it squarely and honestly and never look away. The weekend after I started treatment I felt well enough to use the tickets to the Cowboy Junkies performance I’d had long before my diagnosis. It was an amazing concert and I sent a note backstage prior to the performance explaining my situation and asking that they consider performing “Just Want to See” for me. It was when they came for an encore that I heard the familiar strains that had filled my head and heart so frequently over the years, “I just want to see what kills me.” Yep. I didn’t welcome it and didn’t seek it, but I wasn’t and still am not afraid. Having the tenacity to look death squarely in the face and not back down was the foundation of everything else that inspired me throughout the treatment and now inspires me in recovery.
whipplelife
June 27, 2008